Here's to continuing the saga...

So let me see, what have I been to so far, the past two years? I've had two relationships, one with a guy who had some personality issues, but has a great heart and who truly loved me. That last a year before I realized it wasn't meant to be. The other relationship is still going, it has ups and downs, but we do the best we can. Communication is key. I left my job as regional head of a PR agency, and took seven months off to travel and put my life on pause. I started a new business, a digital marketing agency that also incubates startup ideas. The company is just a month old so it remains to be seen how it's going to do.

And I've started blogging again.

Cary Brothers

I have found another Duncan Sheik.

Older

The older you get, the harder it is to share your life with another person. I miss the unreserved exuberance with which Geoff and I decided to share our lives, literally weeks after we first met, all those years ago.  We were young, unencumbered with financial responsibilities, each living with roommates we disliked. Our careers were just starting, the world was young and full of potential.  I don’t think I can decide to move in with anyone after just knowing them for weeks, not anymore, not at 42. The bar is way, way higher, the path to happiness is so much rockier. I have much respect for people aged 50 and beyond that fall in love and dive straight into a life together. If life is a loose-leaf binder, then adding blank pages is a lot easier than combining pages from two different books and wishing a coherent narrative emerges. Yet we must try.

I succumbed to the gay obsession: gym-going.

I was the guy who used to mock gay guys who obsess about their bodies and work out at the gym three or four times a week.  Muscle Marys, or Gym Bunnies, we call them.  But since July, bar the occasional week or two that I was traveling for business or pleasure, I had been exercising at the gym three times a week.  I even had a personal trainer.  There’s still a part of me that loathes the prevalent, superficial body-worship that so rules our subculture today, but another, larger part of me takes pleasure in observing that I have slimmed down, grown some muscle (not a lot), and in general look healthier.  And the occasional compliment about losing weight doesn’t hurt either. A love-hate situation with  myself.  That’s the person I wanted to punch when I took this picture.

I am so bored I find a water splatter pretty.

Eat Pray Love. Not.

There is a section in “Eat Pray Love” where Elizabeth Gilbert talks about being visited by Depression and Loneliness in the beautiful gardens of Villa Borghese in Rome.  Personified as Pinkerton Detectives, they harangue her for the failure of her marriage, the disintegration of her relationship with David (I presume the guy she left her husband for), her inability to hold on to a relationship, and her general failure as a human being.  Which brings me to me.  Now I will be the first to admit that I was not a victim in the breakup of my 15-year relationship with Geoff.  Far from it.  I was perpetrator and oppressor, the bastard that blew up our lives with a thick bunch of stick dynamite and walked away, whistling.  Who then embarked on a one-and-a-half year long-distance relationship with a terrific guy in New York (coincidentally also a David), and then, for a bit of variety, let that die a whimpering death instead of with a loud bang. 

All of which makes it odd that I still experience the same emotions of failure, depression and guilt.  Loneliness is in there too.  I have proven to myself, once and for all, that I don’t do loneliness well.  Two weeks in Milan, Lake Como, and Venice, alone except for the company of a Nikon D80 and an iPad, has convinced me of that.  Note to self: NEVER visit the world’s most romantic towns alone, ever, again. 

But I don’t do relationships well either.  That’s a right pickle, as they say.   I’m a terrible boyfriend, David will be the first to say.  Emotionally unavailable, selfish, moody, inattentive.  I’m a great lover, a terrific romantic who once flew to New York from Hong Kong (that’s a 14-hour flight each way) for a long weekend so I could surprise him by delivering a birthday present to David.  But it was pretty much downhill from there, to my chagrin and eternal shame. There’s no hiding from the fact: I am a bad person, and I do not deserve happiness. 

Since it petered out with David, all I’ve done so far is drift.  I travel excessively for my work, diving into a job that I make bigger by the day with new initiatives and programs that necessitate even more traveling.  On weekends I go out to clubs and bars with a gaggle of friends, some I’m genuinely close to, others what us Chinese might idiomatically call “wine-and-meat” friends. 

Reading EPL was inspiring and depressing at the same time.  Like tens of thousands of breathless Gilbert fans around the world (which I am NOT one of) I have entertained thoughts of taking a year off to find myself.  Bring my yoga mat with me to an ashram in India, or spend a month under a vow of silence in a Shinto monastery near Kyoto, or, better yet, spend four months in Italy, still my favorite country in the world, just eating. What idiotic thoughts.  Like the naysayers on Amazon.com that give EPL one-star ratings, I am aware of how self-centered, selfish, and self-absorbed this whole idea is.  Yet so alluring ... 

Still, if anything, my August 2010 trip to Northern Italy has proven that solitude and I are not mates.  And I am not destined to be a good husband, at least not the current me. 

So I continue to drift.

Remind Me

I’ve recently been pointed to Royksopp, a Norwegian electronica band that makes amazing music.  Now endlessly listening to their breakout album “Melody A.M.” which received numerous accolades the year it was out, 2001. So far my favorite tracks are Remind Me, Eple, Sparks, and In Space. I’ve found my next Moby.

Another act that I’ve recently explored is Lady Antebellum.  I never like country music (except Garth Brooks during his weird Chris Gaines phase) so this is a big of a first for me. But they’re great.  I like “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” and “I Run To You”.

 

There’s an ordinary world i hope to find

"Ordinary World"

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world

Reflections on a year past

2009.

The world economy went to hell in a hand basket decorated with greed and runaway consumption.  Wall Street bankers continued to grant themselves fat bonuses while unemployment climbed to 12% in some US states.  Michael Jackson died an ignoble death, the result of a life soused with blind adulation and defined by selfishness.

Perhaps that’s what defined 2009: selfishness.

By my own choice, last year I went from being a happily married gay man in a 15-year relationship to a single guy.  Bought a bachelor-style pied-a-terre in Central district so I wouldn’t have to make the 50-minute drive home drunk after my now-commonplace weekend nights out on the town.  Started dating a terrific guy half a world away, a situation fraught with complexity and difficulty.  Made lots of new friends, precious individuals that I could spend time with, time not available when I was in a long-term relationship.  I created a whole new lifestyle for myself, with a price.

Through selfishness I unintentionally broke the heart of someone close to me, not realizing the damage I was doing.

Through selfishness I am in a relationship that has a terrific guy on tenterhooks because I can’t decide.

Through selfishness I have gained so much and lost even more.

Last week I watched George Clooney’s “Up in the Air” and the ending of suggested terminal solitude appealed.  Perhaps I am destined to be alone, or least until I’ve got my life figured out.  Perhaps I have a right to a fulfilling relationship, children, a life with joy, etc. or perhaps I don’t. 

That ambiguity, that’s how I feel now, at the beginning of this new year.

Watching Michael Jackson

Watched “This Is It” on the flight back to HK from NY. A movie I swore I would never see, but hey it was free and I was bored. And I wouldn’t be helping to line the pockets of all those folks profiting off his death.

Music was great, watching him rehearse brought home what a freakin’ artistic genius he was, truly a loss for the world. But what struck me was how supportive he was of everyone that worked for him, including the dancers and the technicians. At work, MJ is focused, nurturing, constantly teaching. Not the arrogant self-centered weirdo I expected to see. Of course there is the occasionally weirdness, such as ending every negative input he gave with “it’s all from love.” If his crew can’t handle constructive input without a candy wrapper they shouldn’t be operating at world-class level. And he thanked god every other minute. Just casually drops it into conversation. That seems strange somehow.

But it was good to see him saying things like “That’s ok, this is why we rehearse” when a dancer makes a misstep or a technician misses a cue. You could tell the entire crew was 200% focused on making the show a success, pouring all their energy and devotion to quality.

How I Met Your Mother

Love how this show’s writers describe how it feels to be single and yearning, with such humor.

From season four’s “As Fast She Can”:

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.

Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

Ted: Really?

Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'

Ted: For real?

Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

Blueberry cake of Death

This is served in airplane meals all the time, especially on some Asian airlines.  I can never bring myself to eat it because it just reminds me of rotted corpse.

Eating healthy

Recently I’ve been on a healthy eating tear, especially after reading Michael Pollan’s terrific book, In Defence of Food, and watching the DVD “Food Inc.”  Both tell of the perils of eating a western diet rich in refined carbohydrates, processed foods and additives, and how that is leading to chronic diseases and all-round bad health. 

So I decided to eat healthy from now on.  No processed foods (such as canned food, hams, etc.) and no refined carbohydrates (white rice, pasta, etc.).  No eating anything that comes with a list of ingredients you cannot pronounce. 

But it’s hard.

For example, I saw an ad on TV for Campbell’s Select Harvest soups, claiming “made with real ingredients.” So I went ahead and bought some.  Turns out it still has non-natural ingredients: modified corn starch, soy lecithin, mixed tocopherols, potassium chloride, ascorbic acid (why did they have to add Vitamin C?), mono and diglycerides.  The only difference is, on this can of Campbell’s soup they explain what some of the ingredients are: “There are many types of salt in food…Potasium Chloride is just one type used to add flavor.”

Pity, it means canned soup is still out.

So, what I learned to remember when trying to eat healthy include:

Cook your own meals from natural produce.

Eat more fruits and vegetables.

Buy organic, buy local.

Avoid refined carbohydrates. Eat whole grain.

Refined carbohydrates are, for example, those found in sugar, white breads, pasta, crackers, and cereals. Whole grain foods include dark bread, whole-grain breakfast cereals, popcorn, cooked oatmeal, brown rice, bran, and other grains like bulgur or kasha.

Avoid processed foods.

Avoid trans fats.

Limit your salt intake.

When your body takes in more sodium than it needs, it retains fluid simply to dilute the extra sodium in your bloodstream. This raises blood volume, forcing your heart to work harder; at the same time, it makes veins and arteries constrict. The combination raises blood pressure. Your limit should be 1,500 milligrams of sodium per day, about the amount in three-fourths of a teaspoon of salt.

Avoid high fructose corn syrup.

Research is beginning to suggest that this liquid sweetener may upset the human metabolism, raising the risk for heart disease and diabetes. Researchers say that high-fructose corn syrup's chemical structure encourages overeating. It also seems to force the liver to pump more heart-threatening triglycerides into the bloodstream. HFCS is in almost everything we consume today, including bread, beer, bacon, soft drinks, spaghetti sauce, ketchup.

Here’s a great article that explains all of this well. Some quotes from it are pasted above.

Sedona, Arizona

I know nothing about Arizona, so I wasn’t sure what to expect for a planned trip there in December.  After a bit of browsing on the Internet, however, a side trip to Sedona has got me excited, especially since we’ll be able to visit the Grand Canyon.

Also found some great pictures of Sedona on Flickr.

Snorkeling in the Maldives is simply glorious!

And it helps if you’re staying at a terrific resort.  I would recommend the Banyan Tree Vabbinfaru to anyone.

(All pictures taken below with the Olympus Tough 8000, one of the hardiest, best compact cameras I’ve owned.)

  

Things to do in Singapore

Image via Wikipedia

Spending two and a half days in Singapore with Dave, here’s what I’m planning to do:

• Experience the Night Safari
• Hawker food at Glutton Bay or Chomp Chomp
• Pepper Crab at the East Coast Seafood Center
• Catch the movie UP
• Laze around the pool
• Clubbing at Pump Room, St. James Power Station, Zouk or Velvet Underground
• Get a Thai massage at Ayutthaya Thai Spa

And then it’s off to the Maldives afterwards!

 

Strangely voluptuous croissant on flight to Singapore

Star dreams

 

 

When I was young I was a gigantic science-fiction fan, having read almost every famous golden age author there was, including Isaac Asimov, Robert A. Heinlein, Arthur C. Clarke, and Ray Bradbury.  At 12 I was convinced I wanted to be an astronomer.  In fact, if I had grown up in the US, say Massachusetts or Houston, instead of Hong Kong where there are no Astronomy courses, I might even be working for NASA today, who knows.

Funny how time and place make such a big difference in forming the paths we tread, which is exactly the point of Malcolm Gladwell’s new booking, Outliers. 

All this came back to me as I was playing with the Sky view in Google Earth today, revisiting all the familiar names that I grew up with. There was the Orion constellation, still the most easily identified in the summer/autumn sky, with the Horsehead Nebula, which you can’t really see with the naked eye.  Then there is the Pleiades cluster of stars, which you can. I found the Andromeda Galaxy, seen edge-on, and of course the Milky Way runs through the sky. 

Today the only remnants of those childhood dreams are my semi-serious Star Trek fandom, a love of non-fiction science books, and the ability to point out Orion in the sky.

Weird geeky toys

Was told about a cool online store that sells geeky but weird electronic toys, ThinkGeek.com.  This set of glowing solar-rechargeable sun and moon mason jars is my favorite.

New word of the day: Manhattanhenge

Courtesy of Frank Swain, a science writer:

Built into the streets of New York City is a solar calendar on a truly massive scale. Every year around July 12th, New Yorkers are treated to a spectacular phenomenon as the setting sun aligns directly with the east-west streets of Manhattan's main grid, turning them into canyons filled with golden light. The effect is known as Manhattanhenge in reference to the much older stone monument near Salisbury. The term was coined in 2002 by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, the charismatic director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History.

More Manhattenhenge pics on Flickr.