2009.
The world economy went to hell in a hand basket decorated with greed and runaway consumption. Wall Street bankers continued to grant themselves fat bonuses while unemployment climbed to 12% in some US states. Michael Jackson died an ignoble death, the result of a life soused with blind adulation and defined by selfishness.
Perhaps that’s what defined 2009: selfishness.
By my own choice, last year I went from being a happily married gay man in a 15-year relationship to a single guy. Bought a bachelor-style pied-a-terre in Central district so I wouldn’t have to make the 50-minute drive home drunk after my now-commonplace weekend nights out on the town. Started dating a terrific guy half a world away, a situation fraught with complexity and difficulty. Made lots of new friends, precious individuals that I could spend time with, time not available when I was in a long-term relationship. I created a whole new lifestyle for myself, with a price.
Through selfishness I unintentionally broke the heart of someone close to me, not realizing the damage I was doing.
Through selfishness I am in a relationship that has a terrific guy on tenterhooks because I can’t decide.
Through selfishness I have gained so much and lost even more.
Last week I watched George Clooney’s “Up in the Air” and the ending of suggested terminal solitude appealed. Perhaps I am destined to be alone, or least until I’ve got my life figured out. Perhaps I have a right to a fulfilling relationship, children, a life with joy, etc. or perhaps I don’t.
That ambiguity, that’s how I feel now, at the beginning of this new year.
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