There’s an ordinary world i hope to find

"Ordinary World"

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world

Reflections on a year past

2009.

The world economy went to hell in a hand basket decorated with greed and runaway consumption.  Wall Street bankers continued to grant themselves fat bonuses while unemployment climbed to 12% in some US states.  Michael Jackson died an ignoble death, the result of a life soused with blind adulation and defined by selfishness.

Perhaps that’s what defined 2009: selfishness.

By my own choice, last year I went from being a happily married gay man in a 15-year relationship to a single guy.  Bought a bachelor-style pied-a-terre in Central district so I wouldn’t have to make the 50-minute drive home drunk after my now-commonplace weekend nights out on the town.  Started dating a terrific guy half a world away, a situation fraught with complexity and difficulty.  Made lots of new friends, precious individuals that I could spend time with, time not available when I was in a long-term relationship.  I created a whole new lifestyle for myself, with a price.

Through selfishness I unintentionally broke the heart of someone close to me, not realizing the damage I was doing.

Through selfishness I am in a relationship that has a terrific guy on tenterhooks because I can’t decide.

Through selfishness I have gained so much and lost even more.

Last week I watched George Clooney’s “Up in the Air” and the ending of suggested terminal solitude appealed.  Perhaps I am destined to be alone, or least until I’ve got my life figured out.  Perhaps I have a right to a fulfilling relationship, children, a life with joy, etc. or perhaps I don’t. 

That ambiguity, that’s how I feel now, at the beginning of this new year.

Watching Michael Jackson

Watched “This Is It” on the flight back to HK from NY. A movie I swore I would never see, but hey it was free and I was bored. And I wouldn’t be helping to line the pockets of all those folks profiting off his death.

Music was great, watching him rehearse brought home what a freakin’ artistic genius he was, truly a loss for the world. But what struck me was how supportive he was of everyone that worked for him, including the dancers and the technicians. At work, MJ is focused, nurturing, constantly teaching. Not the arrogant self-centered weirdo I expected to see. Of course there is the occasionally weirdness, such as ending every negative input he gave with “it’s all from love.” If his crew can’t handle constructive input without a candy wrapper they shouldn’t be operating at world-class level. And he thanked god every other minute. Just casually drops it into conversation. That seems strange somehow.

But it was good to see him saying things like “That’s ok, this is why we rehearse” when a dancer makes a misstep or a technician misses a cue. You could tell the entire crew was 200% focused on making the show a success, pouring all their energy and devotion to quality.