I am so bored I find a water splatter pretty.

Eat Pray Love. Not.

There is a section in “Eat Pray Love” where Elizabeth Gilbert talks about being visited by Depression and Loneliness in the beautiful gardens of Villa Borghese in Rome.  Personified as Pinkerton Detectives, they harangue her for the failure of her marriage, the disintegration of her relationship with David (I presume the guy she left her husband for), her inability to hold on to a relationship, and her general failure as a human being.  Which brings me to me.  Now I will be the first to admit that I was not a victim in the breakup of my 15-year relationship with Geoff.  Far from it.  I was perpetrator and oppressor, the bastard that blew up our lives with a thick bunch of stick dynamite and walked away, whistling.  Who then embarked on a one-and-a-half year long-distance relationship with a terrific guy in New York (coincidentally also a David), and then, for a bit of variety, let that die a whimpering death instead of with a loud bang. 

All of which makes it odd that I still experience the same emotions of failure, depression and guilt.  Loneliness is in there too.  I have proven to myself, once and for all, that I don’t do loneliness well.  Two weeks in Milan, Lake Como, and Venice, alone except for the company of a Nikon D80 and an iPad, has convinced me of that.  Note to self: NEVER visit the world’s most romantic towns alone, ever, again. 

But I don’t do relationships well either.  That’s a right pickle, as they say.   I’m a terrible boyfriend, David will be the first to say.  Emotionally unavailable, selfish, moody, inattentive.  I’m a great lover, a terrific romantic who once flew to New York from Hong Kong (that’s a 14-hour flight each way) for a long weekend so I could surprise him by delivering a birthday present to David.  But it was pretty much downhill from there, to my chagrin and eternal shame. There’s no hiding from the fact: I am a bad person, and I do not deserve happiness. 

Since it petered out with David, all I’ve done so far is drift.  I travel excessively for my work, diving into a job that I make bigger by the day with new initiatives and programs that necessitate even more traveling.  On weekends I go out to clubs and bars with a gaggle of friends, some I’m genuinely close to, others what us Chinese might idiomatically call “wine-and-meat” friends. 

Reading EPL was inspiring and depressing at the same time.  Like tens of thousands of breathless Gilbert fans around the world (which I am NOT one of) I have entertained thoughts of taking a year off to find myself.  Bring my yoga mat with me to an ashram in India, or spend a month under a vow of silence in a Shinto monastery near Kyoto, or, better yet, spend four months in Italy, still my favorite country in the world, just eating. What idiotic thoughts.  Like the naysayers on Amazon.com that give EPL one-star ratings, I am aware of how self-centered, selfish, and self-absorbed this whole idea is.  Yet so alluring ... 

Still, if anything, my August 2010 trip to Northern Italy has proven that solitude and I are not mates.  And I am not destined to be a good husband, at least not the current me. 

So I continue to drift.

Remind Me

I’ve recently been pointed to Royksopp, a Norwegian electronica band that makes amazing music.  Now endlessly listening to their breakout album “Melody A.M.” which received numerous accolades the year it was out, 2001. So far my favorite tracks are Remind Me, Eple, Sparks, and In Space. I’ve found my next Moby.

Another act that I’ve recently explored is Lady Antebellum.  I never like country music (except Garth Brooks during his weird Chris Gaines phase) so this is a big of a first for me. But they’re great.  I like “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” and “I Run To You”.

 

There’s an ordinary world i hope to find

"Ordinary World"

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world

Reflections on a year past

2009.

The world economy went to hell in a hand basket decorated with greed and runaway consumption.  Wall Street bankers continued to grant themselves fat bonuses while unemployment climbed to 12% in some US states.  Michael Jackson died an ignoble death, the result of a life soused with blind adulation and defined by selfishness.

Perhaps that’s what defined 2009: selfishness.

By my own choice, last year I went from being a happily married gay man in a 15-year relationship to a single guy.  Bought a bachelor-style pied-a-terre in Central district so I wouldn’t have to make the 50-minute drive home drunk after my now-commonplace weekend nights out on the town.  Started dating a terrific guy half a world away, a situation fraught with complexity and difficulty.  Made lots of new friends, precious individuals that I could spend time with, time not available when I was in a long-term relationship.  I created a whole new lifestyle for myself, with a price.

Through selfishness I unintentionally broke the heart of someone close to me, not realizing the damage I was doing.

Through selfishness I am in a relationship that has a terrific guy on tenterhooks because I can’t decide.

Through selfishness I have gained so much and lost even more.

Last week I watched George Clooney’s “Up in the Air” and the ending of suggested terminal solitude appealed.  Perhaps I am destined to be alone, or least until I’ve got my life figured out.  Perhaps I have a right to a fulfilling relationship, children, a life with joy, etc. or perhaps I don’t. 

That ambiguity, that’s how I feel now, at the beginning of this new year.

Watching Michael Jackson

Watched “This Is It” on the flight back to HK from NY. A movie I swore I would never see, but hey it was free and I was bored. And I wouldn’t be helping to line the pockets of all those folks profiting off his death.

Music was great, watching him rehearse brought home what a freakin’ artistic genius he was, truly a loss for the world. But what struck me was how supportive he was of everyone that worked for him, including the dancers and the technicians. At work, MJ is focused, nurturing, constantly teaching. Not the arrogant self-centered weirdo I expected to see. Of course there is the occasionally weirdness, such as ending every negative input he gave with “it’s all from love.” If his crew can’t handle constructive input without a candy wrapper they shouldn’t be operating at world-class level. And he thanked god every other minute. Just casually drops it into conversation. That seems strange somehow.

But it was good to see him saying things like “That’s ok, this is why we rehearse” when a dancer makes a misstep or a technician misses a cue. You could tell the entire crew was 200% focused on making the show a success, pouring all their energy and devotion to quality.